2004-03-14 11:48 a.m. How many different ways are there for a fist to meet a face? a) From the right side. b) From the left side. c) Straight on. d) From underneath. e) A hammer-like blow to the top of the head. Years after years this guy would put on a mask and hang out down by the wharfs waiting to witness a mugging, but he never did. He would make lists of all the ways he could beat up a mugger, but the fact of the matter is that down at the wharfs there are piers, there are boats, there are rats. If you had access to this guy's inner sanctum (the locked drawer of his desk, in the corner of his apartment), you could look through all his lists and see that none of them dealt with rat-catching. Which is a shame. Because one of those rats, Engliss by name, evil by nature (as he liked to squeak upon introducing himself to other rats), would have made a great opponent. Sure, Engliss never mugged a busty lady who might make with the smooches after being rescued. But here's a short list of things Engliss did manage to do, all under the not-so-watchfull gaze of Mr. Wears-a-Mask-but-doesn't-fight-crime. 1. He stole a bag of oranges from the dumpster behind the shack that sold deep fried cod. He took the oranges one at a time and at them at his leisure without paying for a single one or sharing with any other rats. 2. Engliss once scared a dockworker by leaping at his face. The dockworker pissed his pants. The pissing was made worse because the dockworker in question had been working on scraping barnacles form the hull of the Pretty Lady and was wearing rubber waders that went up to his chest. Not only did he have to rinse out his pants, he had to up-end the waders so the urine that pooled at his feet could run out. Then he had to house the rubber out. And it takes forever to dry. 3. Engliss came up with an idea for a doomsday device. He never built it, 'cause he's a rat, but given half a chance... there would have been trouble. 4. Over the course of the summer of 2003, Engliss mentally composed a list of rationales for why humans should be subjugated and eaten by rats at the rats' leisure. It was an airtight, well-rationalized proposal. A treatise that few could argue with on a point-by-point basis. It's a good thing Engliss was too busy eating oranges, was unable to convince other wharf rats of his plan, was not equipped to write this plan down for broader dissemination, and was a rat himself and easily ignored by humans. FACT: G. Gordon Liddy, Nixon aide and self-described hard man, claimed in his autobiography that in order to overcome his fear of wharf rats, he went down to the water front, killed a rat, then cooked and ate it. If he in fact did this act, that makes the ex-con G. Gordon Liddy a better super-hero than the guy in the mask. The guy in the mask has a day job he doesn't like. He has a mostly empty refrigerator. In his locked drawer at home, he has lists of fighting techniques and a book report from the 6th grade that he got an "A" on. It was the last time he was happy with himself. He doesn't need to fight crime. Someone should tell him. Crime is too big for one man and his book report. All he really needs is a hug. No more nights on rooftops, crying and listening to the scurrying and squeaking under the boardwalk. No more violent lists. Just a hug. One single hug. |
1. today is nice 3. happy yesterdays 8. thanks for hosting 4. doing other things |
(Proof that I am the only one reading.) |