2003-01-16 4:59 p.m. I was charmed, I'll admit it. I was standing by the door, watching the elderly couples dancing, the cruise ship's house band doing their mellow best not to scare anyone with any unexpected musical pep. The geezer sidled up to me and leaned in, saying "Have you seen my wife, by any chance?" "Your wife?" "Yes." "I don't think I know her," I said. "She's easy to spot," he said, and his dentured grin widened. He was a smoker, I noticed. Stained teeth. "She's the most beautiful woman on the ship!" I smiled, polite. Mentally counting the number of days left on my cruise, which I'd decided would be my first and last, especially since this was the only cruise line I could afford and I was younger than every other traveler by at least half a century. The old guy laughed to himself and shuffled himself into the slowly twirling mass of cheek-to-cheek dancers. I would have forgotten all about him except that he found me at the same spot the next night. I was a bit more tipsy that time around. Actually, every subsequent evening of the cruise, I managed to set another record for personal inebriation. I was leaving $20 bills in the bathroom for the cleaning staff by the end, ashamed at the mess I was managing to leave. Anyway, I'm in my usual spot, amusing myself by watching a couple both in walkers shuffling and leaning in a rough approximation of a dance. Same old guy comes up and asks if I've seen his wife. "No, actually I--" "She's easy to spot! She's the most beautiful woman on the cruise ship!" Ha, ha. I force a chuckle with him. Anyway, so the next night: same guy. Again, doesn't seem to remember me. Why I didn't find a new place to stand while drinking, I don't know. "Have you seen my wife, by any chance?" He leans in, waiting for any reply so he can follow up with his goddamned charming reply. I let him wait. Just watch him. Keep an eye on the corners of his mouth, which have the slightest trace of dried saliva nestled there. Wait... wait... "She's--" I pounced. "She's the most beautiful woman on the ship!" I yell. "Yes, yes I've seen her. On the laps of every gent in the ballroom. Swinging from the red curtains behind the band dressed as a strumpet, corset and garters, shaking her stuff! I saw her swallow a fifth of Jack Daniels like it was nothing! I saw her grab a waiter's ass!" He backed away, confused. I followed him onto the dance floor, working to keep any of the swaying backs from knocking into my drink. "I saw your wife, your beautiful wife, trying to teach calligraphy to an orangutan. I saw her wearing an astronaut's helmet and dunking her head in the punch bowl. I saw her build a robot out of some kids braces, using a car battery to bring it to life, and it killed an Arab man's dog! His pet dog! And you weren't here!" Finally, the man found his wife and hid behind her. She looked all right. For her age. "Madam," I said. "You have a charming husband and he seems very taken with you." She fingered a string of pearls around her neck. The band reached the end of their song and all around me couples parted to applaud. I can't remember if I applauded. I probably did. I probably clapped as loud as anyone. |
1. today is nice 3. happy yesterdays 8. thanks for hosting 4. doing other things |
(Proof that I am the only one reading.) |