2000-08-31 15:20:29 1. When I was very little, I had some sort of illness. I had to take a pill, but I'd never taken one before. My father stood over me, holding a glass of water, waiting for me to swallow the pill. I kept trying and choking on it. It wouldn't go down. Each time I tried and failed he got angrier and angrier, which made me choke more. Finally he threw the entire glass of water at my face. 2. Again when I was little, I was fooling around and accidently broke one of our glass tables. My father came at me and I thought he was going to kill me, so I ran away. Across the street from our house was a large undeveloped woods, so I ran in there. My mom came after me and yelled for me to please come back. Eventually I did come back, and when I did, my father made fun of me, saying I couldn't even run away properly, I should have packed a bag. It is also important to note that it was my mom who yelled at me to come back, not my father. 3. My father and I took a car trip down the east coast when I was looking at colleges. I don't remember us speaking more than 10 words to each other. He had always been a very closed off person. A narcissist who was not interested, or unable, to be actively interested in anyone else's life. I learned this from him. Therefore, he did not ask me any questions, and I did not ask him any. And the car was silent from connecticut down to south carolina and back up. 4. Even later, when I'd moved out, his idea of being actively interested in his children's lives meant asking How are you, or How's work. And you would answer Fine, to either question, and give a bit of information about it, and that would be the end. He would not ask any follow-up questions. It was much easier for him to talk about himself. 5. He was and will always be a liar. I asked him for an explanation of why he left us, to hear his side. He said he had decided to leave because after 10 years of celibacy, he had decided he was unhappy and needed to make changes in his life to get it back on track. This is untrue. 10 years ago is when my mom had breast cancer and needed a massectomy. He was no longer attracted to her physically. That is not the same as being celibate. Plus it was my mom who initiated the divorce, he said he didn't want one, he wanted things to just continue on as they were. He is a liar and is incapable of owning his feelings or the truth about anything that happened. 6. Also about lying. When I asked him again a few months ago about why he had stopped paying the bills on the car that we had bought together, why he had ignored their calls so that they sent the bill collectors after me, ruining my credit report, he said has was sorry, he knew nothing about that and would be happy to pay me back. But he did know about him, because I told him about it 2 years ago, when it happened. I had asked him about it then, and other times since then. But why did he claim no knowledge about it. Why did he say he knew nothing about it when I had explained and complained about it to him before. 7. What kind of relationship can you hope to have with someone like that? 8. I used to think it was easier to just go along with how you were supposed to act. To not worry about rocking the boat. I was right, it is easier to do that. Then I thought, but it's not better to do that. Surely you can't ignore forever the things that make you crazy. Sooner or later they will come to claim and haunt you, right? 9. I'm not really sure if that's actually true anymore. 10. That is why I wish my father only pain and misery. I started this diary because I wanted to remind myself that no matter how bad things were, it was still important to stay positive, focused on the future. I'm not so sure that helps anymore, either. It seems like no matter what, everyone turns against you eventually. What I've learned is this: There's no point in trying to pretend you're happy, and there's no point in trying to make others happy, because neither works. The yes motion is never ideal. The End. |
1. today is nice 3. happy yesterdays 8. thanks for hosting 4. doing other things |
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