2000-06-05 14:04:31 I can't think of any actual stories from my somewhat depressed, slow weekend, dairy, so I think I'll tell you the urine story. I haven't told you the urine story already, have I? No. So. my best friend in high school was cronin. we were, I don't know. wiseass highschool kids, but we CONSIDERED ourselves to be social experimentists or something. we got a big group of kids together one day after school to drink syrup of ipecac. to see what it would feel like? i didn't throw up, i guess i didn't take enough. but i had dry heaves all night and skipped dinner and had to be driven to jazz band rehearsal. we did other stuff like that. just wierd, whatever, kind of stuff. tried to build a tesla coil, a hydrogen bomb. science projects like a motherfucker. he's at MIT now, so it stands to reason. i'm not sure about the exact conversation or how I got the idea, but I think once we talked (we always came up with our ideas while driving, for some reason) about how neat it would be to extract the salt from urine and just have it in a glass for people to look at. I think I said "yeah I'm going to try that." and cronin said no man, don't. but I wanted to try it. anyways. this story is pretty gross, sorry. i'm really spilling my guts here. this is the definition of Too Much Information. but it was high school so please forgive me. I was a curious person. we had one of those big giant cranberry bottles. it was empty and in our basement so I took it up to my closet, and over the course of a few weeks, I "filled it." this was a lot of pee, when it was filled. i have no clue what I was thinking. anyways, the day finally came when I was alone in the house for the whole day, and as soon as the fam was gone I set to work. dumped a BUNCH of urine into a big old pot and started boiling it. my theory was that after a while the liquid would boil off and I'd have a bunch of salt which would be easily bundled up and repackaged and ready for viewing and being like "ha ha, I did that." my only real actual mistake was using so MUCH urine. if i had just been happy witha little bit, it would have boiled off reasonably quickly, and i would have been all set. but NO. i had to use A LOT of urine. i wanted a BIG experiment. you know how bad urine smells. you know how bad a LOT of urine smells. do you know how bad a LOT of urine, heated up and boiling smells? no, you have no idea. but I know. I warned you, this was some sick shit. anyways, the wierd thing is that when urine boils it's not like water. it doesn't "bubble" per se. it just sort of starts getting angry and folding in on itself. it's wierd. it's what hell must look like. I had angry hell in a large pot on my stove. I am 26 years old. i have been to many places both in the usa and different parts of the world. I have done a lot of things. I have SMELLED a lot of things. but this was no joke, the worst smell I have ever or will ever encounter in my whole life. as I told cronin later, to his great, great amusement, I wished it had smelled like shit. the smell of shit would have been much, infinitely more preferable. but no. the smell, obviously, filled the whole entire house. the kitchen was thick with stench. it was the worst. I had to squeeze lemons into a handkerchief and wear it over my mouth just to walk through the kitchen, no lie. I would try to poke my head in and see the status of the boiling, then i would have to go outside, way way way away from the house for a minutes to breathe again. it was like the smell was marginalizing the oxygen inside the house. anyways, maybe an hour into this, i realized that there was NO way all this urine was going to boil off anytime soon. plus, who knew exactly when the family was coming home, and what would they do if they caught my BOILING URINE on the stove? what would they think? how do you punish something like that? how do you APPROACH that? plus the SMELL. i had to figure out some way to clear that shit OUT. so i said fuck it, and turned the stove off. i can't remember where I dumped the urine...the backyard somewhere? no it was probably in the sewer in front of the house. i probably made a furtive dash down the driveway, fearful of arousing neighborly suspicions. ah suburbia. so i did that. soaked the pot. then for the smell i opened every single window in every single room. probably 20-30 of them. got some no-joke fans going in the kitchen. plus i used one entire bottle of lysol in the kitchen and around the house. I had to keep going outside for a few minutes to equalize the scent in my nose so I could then go back inside and gauge how smelly the house was. and do you know what, diary? they never suspected a thing. ha ha ha ha ha. and the best part was that when I was about to scrub the pot out, (i know: gross. but i washed it real good, swear to god) i grabbed the lid, which I had used to make it boil faster, and noted that there was some salt that had stuck to the lid! so i scraped that off and saved it. it wasn't much, but it was something, so the whole day wasn't a total loss. what was surprising was later when I told cronin the story, he hadn't seemed too interested in actually performing this experiment when we'd first talked about it, but when I told him the tale of my fiasco later, he was like "oh, man! i wish i'd been on the ball. i would have totally been into that shit." that's my story, dairy. k thank you very much & credits music: |
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