2003-02-20 9:57 p.m. I was told a lot of things about what war would or would not be like. My sarge told me most of them. It would not be: a) a cakewalk b) a walk in the rain c) a tea party d) a dick-sucking party It would be a) hell b) the route to manhood c) a patriotic duty and cause for celebration d) a cock-sucking nightmare So imagine my surprise when the bus drops me off at the war and everyone's already got the trenches dug. I was looking forward to shoveling. Was talking to a guy the other day who was telling me about reconnaissance protocol, but then he was shot and one of his eyes rolled down my government issue shirt and I said to myself, "Self, you're just gonna have to read the manual to learn these techniques." And I answered myself, "Get down you fool! They're shooting at all of us!" My commanding officer here is one of those fancy new soldiers you're not supposed to call "zombies" but everyone does at the mess hall. We just whisper, 'cause they can hear like the dickens. Basically, Uncle Sam only has us for a few years and he wants to get his money's worth so you're not allowed out early unless your parents are rich. You die in the field, the docs bring you back but make you better. Like, you remember all the codes, you no longer feel pain or fear, and you really enjoy shining your boots even with all the mud around here. They do not look like Frankenstein. They look like they used to look but with some staples on whatever part of them was shot when they died, 'cause the docs can't fix that, not even with putty. I have a great gun, but mostly I'm meeting new people and we've formed a band. The one time we tried to play the venue (Trench Tango-Xray), we got gassed out, so now our gigs are considered unlucky. I was getting good at drumming on a few tins of rations. So far, the war is pretty cool and I'm looking forward to getting some shooting in. Let me tell you, life here is not like Beatle Bailey, no sir. You try and sleep on the job here and you'll wake up with some doc shoving electrodes in your head and then people giggle when you walk by, your eyes bugged out from not having to blink in fear anymore. I'll send more postcards later. Tell mom I love her and tell dad I'm totally not a queer, thanks for asking. Mmwah! |
1. today is nice 3. happy yesterdays 8. thanks for hosting 4. doing other things |
(Proof that I am the only one reading.) |